The last time we spoke you said — no, you emphasized, that you never stopped wanting me, loving me, needing me and yet you come and go from my life like the wind changes its currents, quickly and without warning. I have always shared my truths with you, never keeping secrets from you. Am I to stop sharing these truths now, now that they involve the pain you have reeked on my life? I have to share with someone and you have always been my confidante as I was once yours. And when I do not share my emotional truths with you, it feels like I am lying to you, betraying what we had, what made our connection special. I miss you terribly and when you cannot even lift a finger to write two words; “I’m safe” — it cuts very deeply. We seem to just be going round and round on some carousel and I want to get off and yet I cling so tightly to the ropes I won’t allow myself a moment of weakness in which I can be thrown away from its orbit. I am pretty hopeless… You certainly didn’t save me from the ups-and-downs of loving you because I continue to breathe for you, I continue to long for you, I continue to weep over you, I continue to fantasize about you… Please talk to me. I don’t like it when I feel I have to beg for your attention. It makes my self-esteem plummet and throws me into depressive episodes that I cannot come out of without affirmations from you that I am beautiful, smart, kind, loveable, likeable, fun, intelligent, funny, desirable, sexy, wanted and worthy of affection and even of life itself. Contact with you is what gives me a reason to live another day. I am pathetic, having to rely on you for purpose. Believe me, I know, and it sucks.
“Pathetic” by Erik Hassle is available for purchase on iTunes, Spotify and Amazon. Just follow the links from his youtube channel.