The last time we spoke you said — no, you emphasized, that you never stopped wanting me, loving me, needing me and yet you come and go from my life like the wind changes its currents, quickly and without warning. I have always shared my truths with you, never keeping secrets from you. Am I to stop sharing these truths now, now that they involve the pain you have reeked on my life? I have to share with someone and you have always been my confidante as I was once yours. And when I do not share my emotional truths with you, it feels like I am lying to you, betraying what we had, what made our connection special. I miss you terribly and when you cannot even lift a finger to write two words; “I’m safe” — it cuts very deeply. We seem to just be going round and round on some carousel and I want to get off and yet I cling so tightly to the ropes I won’t allow myself a moment of weakness in which I can be thrown away from its orbit. I am pretty hopeless… You certainly didn’t save me from the ups-and-downs of loving you because I continue to breathe for you, I continue to long for you, I continue to weep over you, I continue to fantasize about you… Please talk to me. I don’t like it when I feel I have to beg for your attention. It makes my self-esteem plummet and throws me into depressive episodes that I cannot come out of without affirmations from you that I am beautiful, smart, kind, loveable, likeable, fun, intelligent, funny, desirable, sexy, wanted and worthy of affection and even of life itself. Contact with you is what gives me a reason to live another day. I am pathetic, having to rely on you for purpose. Believe me, I know, and it sucks.
“Pathetic” by Erik Hassle is available for purchase on iTunes, Spotify and Amazon. Just follow the links from his youtube channel.
You probably aren’t looking for comments, but I have to say this. Feeling like this doesn’t make you pathetic. It makes you human. I’m truly sorry this person has this much power in your life, and I hope you find a way to take that power back as hard as that is going to be. But you’re not pathetic. And as I get to know you from you posts and comments, I’m finding you to be a good and caring person. I look forward to getting to know you better.
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Thank you so much for the encouragement… it is a day-to-day struggle to try and keep my power and not give it away. I obviously have a long way to go, but today, because of your comment, I feel a little better than yesterday, so thank you! 🙂
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The struggle is real and all any of us can do is the best we can to try and maintain. You’re welcome to whatever I can do to help. Sometimes when we don’t have quite enough of our own power, someone can lend us some of theirs to get through the roughest patches. You’re welcome to borrow some of mine any time you need it 🙂
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hi:) i was over at Felicity’s hangout. I am going to ditto The Original Fat Chick. You are not pathetic – you are human. We all human. I have experienced what you are writing above just recently, in fact. and i did before this recent situation. i think this is why i am so angry with the whole relationship thing. I get angry with him – but then take my anger and direct it toward me, as in i should have known better. i have recently written quite a few pieces which, yes, have been inspired by recent events. all i can say is i am sorry you feel the way you do and i wish i could give you the magic words to make the pain go away. i can’t, but i can say i understand how you feel. xx kimberly.
Thank you for your compassion and dropping in to encourage me. Being reminded that as women we all walk similiar paths and truly are not as alone as we feel without the male counterpart of our lives does help ease the way back into a state of normalcy… or so I’m telling myself. 🙂 Crossing my fingers.
Omg my life right now.
Sorry to hear that Joe. Big internet hug sent your way. Be strong when you can be and in quiet times of privacy be free to feel weak. It all has purpose. Write, write, write it out… no need to share. Purging the pain and agonizing thoughts from your soul helps greatly in the healing process. You already know all this. Keep in touch! You have friends.