A year ago I wrote a piece on the Out of the Darkness community walks put on by the American Foundation to prevent suicide. Well, today we participated once again in our community walk. It’s been a year since we lost our last loved one to suicide (rather than a month) so attending the walk was much easier, no more tears only a touch of sadness — nothing more than we feel on any given day. We were able to enjoy everyone coming together in community to remember those we have loved and lost.
AFSP has local chapters in all 50 states and is “the leader in the fight against suicide. Fund[ing] research, creat[ing] educational programs, advocat[ing] for public policy, and support[ing] survivors of suicide loss.
“The Out of the Darkness Walks are proof that when people work together they can make big changes in the world. They are AFSP’s largest fundraiser – they produce millions for suicide prevention programs, unite those who have been affected by suicide, and create communities that are smart about mental health.”
You can read about my previous Out of the Darkness experience. Or you can read previous posts I have written about how suicide has impacted my life in these posts listed below:
You can also read two powerful posts about personal struggles that I hosted here on my site written by guest bloggers Chris, and Sarah. The post written by Chris does have a trigger warning attached to it so if you are thinking of suicide do not read it. Instead, please telephone or text the resources below. It is confidential and will help alleviate your pain.
Crisis Text Line 24/7: Text “Go” to 741-741 to get started National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Veterans they understand your experiences are different. Press 1 for a line dedicated just to you. GLBTQ National Youth Talk (afternoons & evenings M-S only): 1-800-246-7743
Note: This post was handwritten (printed!) in a 4.75×3″ spiral notebook during the height of a full-blown manic episode. It is genius as you can see how crazy fast the brain was unravelling. My ending thoughts never made it onto the paper as I suddenly and instantly transitioned out of mania and into nothingness. The next day I couldn’t even find the notebook. The date was Dec. 15, 2016 and I have just now April 22, 2017, found the notebook and am about to read/type it for the first time since that night.
I hope you find it as fascinating to read as I was excited to be writing it! It is a long read. However if you get tired of reading it, just scrolling down you will see some of the magical brain unraveling over the course of writing it.
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Being in the full-blown manic state is living 100% in the moment, every single second. And your brain is more than fully engaged, it is hyper-engaged! I experience perhaps 5000 FABULOUS ideas, plans, and schemes from one second to the next and find myself living in the whim of whatever idea, plan, or scheme lures my engagement in that exact moment the thought crosses the neurotransmitters of thought.
This full engagement is fantastic! Sometimes I think that what we call today “bipolar” or “autism” or “asperger’s” are really not mental illness or handicaps but an evolution of our species. These different-brained folks have gifts that reach beyond those of the “average norm” of thinking and behaving — hold that thought for a moment and I will try to return to it.
I just now discovered through my current multi-leveled thinking or presence in all that is around me that I am handwriting this post in a 5×3 notepad! CRAZY!
Now back to topic:
WAIT!
I just recognized also that although 100% of my blog posts are stream of consciousness thinking and writing as organic as that is I am still writing one word at a time with no idea where the journey will take me… I always discover it after it is finished and i re-read it for typos, misspellings, and obvious grammar errors. And that writing now in this organic yet manic state that my thoughts are not meandering as much as is typical when I post. Frequently my posts change direction midway to my surprise, but this post is turning out to be succinct and on topic despite the million things I have thought of while printing this in my tiny 5×3 inch notebook!
Before stopping I want to emphasize the benefits of mania.
1. Hyperfocus
2. Excessive energy, drive, and motivation
3. Accomplishments, lots of accomplishments in a short amount of time
4. Having the ability to multitask like a supercomputer A.I.
5. All things are possible and therefore success and pride abound!
And those are just a few of the gifts that being a bipolar individual can bring.
Unfortunately manic phases, at least for me, are short-lived and divided by long periods of depression at the same level of intensity. Oh, and three side affects of mania are:
1. No sleeping
2. Constant talking, fast and loud — and for the record, I am not a talker. I am a listener. So that’s pretty weird, right?
3. I become fast and loose with money. In the past 24 hours I have spent over $200 on Christmas gifts to myself. Why not? I’ve earned them! I have had a helluva year and suffered through 8 to 9 months of varying degrees of depression.
Here’s my scale…
WARNING!!!
The photo is graphic and disturbing. Proceed with caution!
A snapshot of one person trying to survive in 4 different chemical bodies.
Phase one is deep depression. Desires and longing for death; feelings of total and complete worthlessness; the absolute belief that I have nothing of worth to share with humanity (neighbors, jobs, communities) nor anything of value to share with my world (family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances); the full and complete knowledge and acceptance in the fact that my life does not matter. Life for those in my world will march forward without me. My life has changed nothing. Not for them, not for the communities I am a member of, not for our country, our world, our galaxy, or the universe…
Which brings to mind this example of what life is like living in two different existences: String theory says there are multi-universes, meaning other dimensions of “us” with different choices and outcomes being made! Wow, incredible! I live in two dimensions! Can you say that about yourself and have the evidence to back it up? Because I do!
And another side effect is frizzy hair! I am certain it is from lack of sleep. The brain is not meant to shut down certain specific functions so it can restore out entire bodily functions. It screws with our electrical output. This particular manic episode has been interesting in that I am extremely jumpy. I have “jumped” and heard my voice squeal in fright at least 20x today. I am jumping at movement that does not exist…
at least not in this dimension!
The funniest was when my dog, lying on the floor about 4 feet ahead of me lifted his tail in a half-wag. I jumped sky-high! That’s a mile, right? LOL, I crack myself up!
In fact, this happened today: I had to drive into town to pick up some medication at the pharmacy. It was snowing out but I needed it, I’d be out otherwise. And if you’re thinking that’s not a big deal than you do not live in the Pacific NW. Our snow here is not the same as back East or even up North. It is extremely treacherous because it is in a constant state of transition of snowing, melting, freezing, snowing, melting, freezing. It creates layer after layer of black ice. And, to top it off, the majority of people out here don’t know how to drive in snow but that doesn’t keep them from trying; driving too fast, making last minute decisions, breaking, attempting to summit hills and traverse down those same steep hills as though they were on a waterslide. Hey! I guess, they ARE on a waterslide of sorts! LOL. Predictably and ultimately they slide off course ending up either crashing into other vehicles or in a ditch. Surprisingly however, they rarely plowdown pedestrians who are not fool enough to risk life and limb to reach a goal. I guess they’re not bipolar.
See what I did there? I went off on a tangent not relevant yet related to the topic at hand. I just proved how adept I am at stream of consciousness writing. I mislead you down an unknown path, which you followed and ultimately you arrived at the same destination: Bipolar. From bipolar to driving in snow to bipolar again for those of you who may be feeling lost. But don’t worry, I’ve got this under control. This post is still tugging me stronger than the tens of millions of thoughts that have crossed my mind since we began. And I’ll prove it now.
When I arrived at the aforementioned pharmacy my hair became conductive! It was literally reaching and grabbing at my face like static cling. I couldn’t get it off my face! I would brush it away or push it to the back of my head but it would immediately return to my face, tickling my cheeks, my mouth, my nose. I know that when it snows the ion consistency of our atmosphere is significantly different than all other weather conditions which is why it has that unique smell which we all identify as “it’s going to snow.” Now, it’s true we’re not accustomed to snow here in the West like the rest of the country, however, that #fakescience #fakenews #conspiracytheory of #globalwarming is to blame for that. Twenty-five years ago when I moved here it never snowed. Now it is every year with a #bigsnow about every seven years which would be in 2019 as we did #shutdowneverything for the #snowpocolypse of 2012. Which, I should mention, would have the rest of the world laughing at us.
— Quick break. It’s getting very cold again so I’ve got to add another heater and pee… I’ve been holding it for a long time. I’m going to go multitask for a moment and, if we are lucky, some other whim will not take my fancy and I’ll be able to come straight back and finish my train of thought. I know I can do it. I can do anything! #ThisLifeRules #ManiaIsMyFriend.
And by the way, the hashtags, yeah, that’s a behavior shift most definitely. Be right back have a lot more to say.
I am very lucid right now and surprisingly do know exactly where I am going with this piece (and I don’t mean Letters to the Mind though I will most definitely share it with that community. This article will definitely #furtherunderstanding about #bipolar and #mentalillness and take us on another step to #endstigma. This is going to be powerful!
I cannot promise to return from my #peebreak but I can promise that if you keep reading you’ll gain greater understanding. Okay, #peetime #pottyfirst #heatersecond.
Okay, I’m back! #ToldYou.
#Lying. Stopped to put on a #Seahawk knit hat to cover my ears, slip on a cozy coat, slide on my fingerless gloves, and take 5 gulps of #AlpineRose chocolate milk. #MyFavorite.
#LetsGetReal. I have seriously used up half of this notebook thus far so I also grabbed — and I am beginning to hear another whim increasing in intensity. This #girlsgotgoals #livinginthemoment #truthbetold
Damn!
Oh yeah, better write this down!
Double damn! #IHadIt
Whew! Got it back. Took a few, I was #gettingworried. But I’ve written my reminder so let’s #finishthisup. This post is about the Four Faces of #Memee @Memeesmusings on #Twitter. And I previously warned you about the image and have explained stage one or #Face1 which represents the words that the image tells and that’s the graphic part. #HardPartsOver #YouMadeIt
So, stage 2 #Face2. This is the stage I pretty much live in. #TheBlahs
Hey! I just realized I’ve also already covered stage 4 #Face4
#Whew #We’reAlmostThere
#didIhearyou #sighaudibly?
Back to stage 2: The Blahs #FormerlyKnownAs #theduldrums
#archaic! also known as #WhotheFuckCares
Gotta love the modern English lexicon.
I am pretty sure you have a good idea about what this stage is all about because #everyonesuffers #fromtime2time Here is what that looks like for me…
#ItsBad —
Oh, I remember something that I thought was important to include about the negative side effects of #mania. #SoImportant!
There are two different kinds of #BipolarDisorder #formerlyknownas #ManicDepressive #Archaic
I suffer from Bipolar 2 (depressive bipolar with hypomanic episodes that last up to but do not exceed 5 days) with #rapidcycling.
#RapidCyclingMyAss!!
#RapidCycling doesn’t mean I ride a bike super fast all over the place. However, that’s a pretty apt way to think of mania as one symptom is — I #gaveyouahint earlier
#AnswerKey: Rapidity!
I know, I know, you’re feeling a little stupid right now. That’s okay. #IForgiveYou #I_Love_You #My_Minion
#NothingCanGoWrong #ImManic
(You): #SighofRelief
I bet you thought because we had #alreadycovered faces two and four that this post would become #shorterthanotherwise #Sorry2Disappoint #I’mMemee. I’m a Blabberer Not a Summarizer.
#Managing to #useitup #anyway #HavingFunDoingIt
#HopeYouR2
#LongReads are my #specialty #it’llbeworthit #IntheEnd #Ipromise
#StreamofConsciousness stops when there’s no more to say… Ugh-oh! #I’mManic I talk incessantly. I work nonstop. #WhatIDon’tDo is #SlowDown #FullStop
We may be in for the ride of our lives! I’ll try to #SpitItOut #Just4U
Oh grudge! We’re still on Stage 2, The Blahs. Sorry about that! Stage 3 will be short, I promise. #Damn #LotsofPromises in this post! #ForgiveMe please.
So what rapid cycling means is that I have —
Ooh, nevermind.
#IAmSuperSmart #Spontaneous #BrilliantWay to #KeepPromise to #SpitItOut. Here’s a #Snippet instead:
#MedsHelp
And that my friends is where I finally fell asleep 4 days after entering my mania and did not complete the post or deliver on my promises. When I woke back up the mania was gone. But if you read all of that, I’m sure you’re grateful to be done!
I do find it a fascinating read, seeing the mind in mania in action and evolving.
Here is the note I had written down to complete this article:
“Well, this did not turn out to be as succinct as I thought it would be. But it is clear and cohesive. #Memeeforthewin! You should have known that though because I am usually long-winded in my writing — well, except for my #FlashFiction.
I’ve been hosting a new mental illness friend that goes by the name Anxiety. He has been with me for about 2 and-a-half months now and I really wish he’d go away. I don’t remember inviting him over, and I certainly didn’t intend for him to make himself at home. Something’s got to change!
I have evaluated where I think this anxiety took root and it is in uncertainty of the future. Whenever I think about the future my chest and arms tighten up and then I begin vibrating like a personal massager, fast, intense quivers that impact my breathing and my comfort.
It has been 8 months since I held my last job. It was a job I found a lot of pleasure in despite the fact I would sleep whenever I wasn’t there (and I was only working part time). It was exhausting but being with people was good for me, invigorating. And I had a sense of purpose which, if you ask anyone who’s off work due to disability, is hard to hold onto.
Finally the anxiety was getting to be too much and I had to make a change. I had started putting feelers out for under-the-table jobs and one of those feelers offered up a real job that seemed a perfect fit albeit fully legitimate. The job was less than 3 miles from my home (which is ten minutes from the nearest store or gas station). They needed someone only 2 days a week and were paying minimum wage (which is all I can afford to take without losing my disability). Having my disability is important. I have about $20,000 worth of medical appointments a year (that includes counselling of course) and my medication expenses are over $2000 a month if paid out of pocket.
I was excited about this job because it would give me some extra padding and release some of the anxiety I was feeling about money. Most of my possessions are in storage right now ($200 a month) and I begin every month 400 dollars in the hole. Disability pays next to nothing — all of those people that think we choose not to work and that we think disability is better is wrong. Disability is barely survivable. I am maintaining because I have no rental costs thanks to the generosity of a good friend, #I’mBlessed.
And disability does allow us to work, as I suggested, but we have to work beneath certain income limits 1170 per month currently. One of the things I finally got around to doing, after about 8 years of attempting to do it, was send off my request to have my student loan debt forgiven. That government program allows permanently disabled individuals to be released from their student loans (which otherwise is a lifelong, ever-growing debt). My student loan began 20 years ago at a grand total of $12,000. It has now amassed due to compound interest to be nearly $40,000. It grows faster than I can keep up with and my disability ensures that I will never be able to pay it off. So after years of asking for the application and one denial, I got around to sending in the forms again.
And then I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I grew impatient.
In the meantime I learned about a court reporting school that is cash only and affordable to most at $350 per month and no contract. What I needed was $350 and I’d be back in the sunshine of moving forward with overcoming my financial burdens. My plan was that I would find a way to make that money and then have the student debt forgiven. Then when I was well enough and retrained in my profession I could return to work without any debt and start life new and maybe eventually be able to afford to buy my own place and sail onward from there! Aren’t dreams nice?
Come to find out the Department of Education’s plan for debt forgiveness does not allow you to work at all. Not one day. Sure you can volunteer for stuff but you cannot collect monies for it. I didn’t learn that straight up either. I learned it during the process of obtaining it.
Last week I started a new job. Wednesday I worked five hours. Thursday I worked five hours. And Friday I worked 2 hours. DAMNIT! Last night I learned my application for student debt forgiveness was approved.
Dilemma! What to do? Had I already fucked myself over? I don’t know. But today I quit that new job which allowed me to see a change in my daily behaviors and know that soon I’d be feeling a sense of purpose again. Just goes to show you, sometimes a good change can throw a monkey wrench in your plans!
Now I’ve got to recontact social security and tell them that job I started last week didn’t work out so I can reapply for SSI and see that they pay me my full benefits as of course for once I was prompt at follow through and got those benefits hacked.
Now I’ve got to do as Socrates said and embrace this new change yet again. Put my energy in the positive… I will be debt free in 3 years. No more 40,000 pound monkey on my back. Will I survive 3 years without purpose? I don’t know. I’ve got to learn to try and find purpose and things to keep my brain active without a job.
☀ ☀ ☀ ☀ ☀
If you’d like to play Words Crush Wednesday along with me here are the details:
Cut/paste and follow these 3 simple rules:
(1) Always pingback to the site you discovered #wcw on with every Words Crush Wednesday post. In this case, that’s me: memeesmusings.com!
(2) In your post, use the badge they’ve created just for you – In this case, you’d use the Panda badge (size doesn’t matter), just grab it below.
(3) Tag your post #wcw so the Words Crush Wednesday community players can find you.
(4) Optional: When you are ready, create your own badge for those you inspire to play Words Crush Wednesday. If you do not create your own badge then your inspirees MUST use the badge from the blogger who inspired you — it’s on your post — so be sure to make it easy for them to find. (P.S. I create all of my graphics on Canva.)
If you wanna play #wcw with me, grab that panda badge on the left!
A snapshot of one person trying to survive in 4 different chemical bodies.
Hi all,
It’s been a long, long while. I have been suffering with bipolar depression in a very extended way lately. Some people who don’t understand bipolar have the misperception that we suffer both the depressive side and the manic side equally. We don’t. Also, we’re all different in our levels of functionality at the various phases of the disorder. So I’ve been down and out of the game. I am on a new medication, Latuda, and I think it may finally be kicking in. I certainly hope so! It is supposed to relieve the symptoms of Bipolar Depression which is a very big deal for me as I have never had relief from this phase and it is the phase I suffer from the most frequently as well as it being the most catastrophically impactful for me.
Anyway, the picture above was put together back in December at the beginning of a manic phase which I will be sharing with you very soon. During mania I have many brilliant ideas and am extremely active. Unfortunately the mania does not last long and when it burns off suddenly my activities cease and my plots, plans, schemes come to an abrupt halt. For instance, this article had the headline written and the picture uploaded, and even a link to some statistical data but no body. Fortunately, I know my main intent was to go over my 4 “personalities” (for lack of a better description) that I am constantly trying to adjust to and live with.
Left to Right:
Deep Depression. This is where I have been for the last several months. My days in this state consist of sleeping (escaping my problems, but also I am exhausted physically and mentally), crying uncontrollably for no specific reason, staring at the ceiling or blank wall sometimes with no thoughts registering in my head and other times inundated with only negative recriminations for being this person (something I cannot control) that suffers this chemical imbalance of the brain. I’ll get up to pee and return immediately to bed. I mostly drink my calories during this time as I have no energy or desire to even pour cereal into a bowl to eat. I will bathe once a week but don’t remember to brush my teeth and do not bother brushing my hair or changing my clothes. I am completely shut down. Inhuman. Some days I am afraid to be alone because I fantasize about killing myself. I know that is not the answer and it is really not an option. Besides, in this state I am frozen in grief and depression so I do not act upon thoughts. I “just” terrorize myself with them over and over again. Visualizing myself killing myself. It’s not fun, believe me. It scares me and heightens my depressive state.
2. “The Blahs” This is where I live the majority of my life. I still have difficulty with hygiene most days. I am messy and tired. I have zero focus, zero attention span, zero interests, zero motivation , and zero drive. I do nothing but zone out on the computer or Netflix day after day. My mind is chaotic and so is the environment around me. It’s better than the deep depression but it is no life. A waste.
3. Happy/Balanced. This is my goal persona. It is who I long to be. I enjoy friendships and can hold onto a job. I feel like I am pursuing goals and making real change in my life toward becoming this person authentically. I bathe bi-daily, I pick up after myself, I eat and sleep in a normal pattern. I have a life and recognized the blessing it is. I may even be able to have a romantic relationship again!
4. Mania! I am awesome! You are awesome! Life is awesome! I have big plans and they are, no matter how far-fetched, attainable! I just got to follow my plans step by step and I’ll do it! I will succeed at anything I try and I will try anything that interests me! The world is my oyster, my cake, my playground!
I don’t really have any more to say than what is conveyed by my title and chosen quote. Between the two, everything that needs to be said, is being said.
Peace out!
☀ ☀ ☀ ☀ ☀
If you’d like to play Words Crush Wednesday along with me here are the details:
Cut/paste and follow these 3 simple rules:
(1) Always pingback to the site you discovered #wcw on with every Words Crush Wednesday post. In this case, that’s me: memeesmusings.com!
(2) In your post, use the badge they’ve created just for you – In this case, you’d use the Panda badge (size doesn’t matter), just grab it below.
(3) Tag your post #wcw so the Words Crush Wednesday community players can find you.
(4) Optional: When you are ready, create your own badge for those you inspire to play Words Crush Wednesday. If you do not create your own badge then your inspirees MUST use the badge from the blogger who inspired you — it’s on your post — so be sure to make it easy for them to find. (P.S. I create all of my graphics on Canva.)
If you wanna play #wcw with me, grab that panda badge on the left!
Submission deadline is TODAY, January 24th, 2017, at 23:55 PST. Submit now!
Voting opens at 00:05 PST tomorrow and ends on Tuesday, Jan 31st at 23:55 PST. To read all the poems and vote, click any of the links previously given for this #NewEra poetry contest-challenge linky party!
Participants should remind their followers, beginning tomorrow, to go read and vote on their #1 Favorite poem for this challenge theme. Submit, Vote, Win… that’s how this linky party works!
Dear little trump and follower. I listened as they called my President a Muslim.
I listened as they called him and his family a pack of monkeys.
I listened as they said he wasn’t born here.
I watched as they blocked every single path to progress that they could.
I saw the pictures of him as Hitler.
I watched them shut down the government and hurt the entire nation twice.
I watched them turn their backs on every opportunity to open worthwhile dialog.
I watched them say that they would not even listen to any choice for Supreme Court no matter who the nominee was.
I listened as they openly said that they will oppose him at every turn.
I watched as they did just that.
I listened.
I watched.
I paid attention.
Now, I’m being called on to be tolerant.
To move forward.
To denounce protesters.
To “Get over it.”
To accept this…
I will not.
I will do my part to make sure this great American mistake becomes the embarrassing footnote of our history that it deserves to be.
I will do this as quickly as possible every chance I get.
I will do my part to limit the damage that this man can do to my country.
I will watch his every move and point out every single mistake and misdeed in a loud and proud voice.
I will let you know in a loud voice every time this man backs away from a promise he made to them.
Them. The people who voted for him.
The ones who sold their souls and prayed for him to win.
I will do this so that they never forget.
And they will hear me.
They will see it in my eyes when I look at them.
They will hear it in my voice when I talk to them.
They will know that I know who they are.
They will know that I know what they are.
Do not call for my tolerance. I’ve tolerated all I can.
Now it’s their turn to tolerate ridicule.
Be aware, make no mistake about it, every single thing that goes wrong in our country from this day
forward is now Trump’s fault just as much as they thought it was Obama’s.
I find it unreasonable for them to expect from me what they were entirely unwilling to give.
— Author Unknown
The wonderful photograph was taken by Noah Grezlak and acquired through Unsplash. It’s a great source for free photos under the Creative Commons Zero license, so check it out!
