So I have been back in Washington for just under a month now and I am not doing well at all. I am physically and emotionally exhausted all of the time. I have zero interest in blogging and make zero effort at seeing those people that I “missed so much” when I was in California. I have done very little school work and my new job hasn’t begun yet.
I found out I will have orientation next week, on Tuesday, for the new job and how I feel today is, “Geez, can I even hold a job? I’m so lost. Whatever, guess we’ll find out.”
So, yeah, that’s why I haven’t been around. I’m in the doldrums and wishing I could just go back to sleep. Second-guessing the smartness of coming back here (or lack of smarts). Simply put, I am not happy.
I wish that it didn’t cost an unreasonable amount to live there. I wish I could have stayed. But working 40+ hours a week and only being able to afford a tiny room in someone’s house didn’t make sense. Not when I was on a course toward putting my life together and making something of myself. And I couldn’t stay where I was, that was tearing me apart mentally.
Now I am just totally off course and without direction. I don’t feel the me inside of me any longer. Just emptiness. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that I don’t have Ms. Passive-Aggressive wounding my pride every day. But now I just feel like, well, I don’t feel like anything. I don’t feel human. I don’t feel pain or happiness, just blah, nothing-blah.
I guess I need meds. But I have zero energy to jump through a zillion hoops to get them.
I’m so sorry. I hope you feel more yourself soon. Times like this are hard to get through, but you’ll come through just fine. There’s always another side. If you ever want to talk, I’m here. (sorry I’m so late to this post…)
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Ahh, you sound really low. I hope that you find your feet soon and feel a whole lot better in a short while. Sometimes even though we want it, realistically our bodies and minds are slowly to adapt to our new change in circumstances. Blessed be.
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Thank you so much for your kind wisdom, Jacqueline. I have definitely been struggling. Holding on til it passes…