My Hero, My Nemesis

A Poem to my manic-depressive personalitiesOh how I love you
and wish you were near
when we are together
conquering the world
is always near!

Oh how I hate you
and wish I could flee
the words you are always
screaming at me:
Worthless! Hopeless! Unloveable!
Inadequate! Boring! Weak! Undeserving!

You can be so relentless, so cruel and mean,
heartless to Me who carries Your pain!

How this world of mine collides
My hero, My nemesis
from one day to the next,
who will be with me — I am so tired of this!

I walk the rope you lie before me
fearing in each and every step
the next one might be the one
where I slip.

Why can’t we come
to some understanding?
Release this ever-present tension
between us, reach a balance
not too high and not too low,
and finally live a life in harmony?

© MemeesMusings/B.L. Memee, 2015-2017. All rights reserved.

I originally published the above poem on Letters to the Mind blog project. Please consider writing to the mental illness that impacts the world you walk in and sharing it with our new community blog. We are hoping other creatives who suffer from a mental illness or have a family member/loved one with a mental illness will write to the illness and post it on the site for two purposes.

The first is as a way to grow and challenge how we relate to our illness and the second is to educate other people about the various mental illnesses that people live with every single day. With education comes understanding and with understanding stigma begins to fall ill and eventually dies.

For more information on contributing at Letters to the Mind blog project, click here.

We ALWAYS need contributors, any and all mental disorders welcome. No one is turned away and your own blogs, media platforms are cataloged and linked on the site.

Thank you,

Memee (and Jade)

I Pledge to Change the World!

Attention: Mental Health Awareness lime green whistle
Photo by Steven Depolo

There is a stigma attached to my life, it is called Bipolar Disorder. My pledge is about educating those around me and beyond me. Stigma comes from fear. My fear of how you’ll respond when I tell you and your fear that I will suddenly go postal on you.

I won’t. You are safe. This is my problem, not yours. This impacts my family, not yours. You are safe. Sit down and talk with me, ask me questions about it. I will not bite. I am happy to share because once you know me and understand me you will feel better and so will I. I am making the world a more understanding place one person at a time.

I have joined forces with Jade Moore to create the mental health blog, Letters to the Mind, where we invite YOU to write to your mental illness. You will grow from the exercise and you will teach by leaving your letters, poems, and stories behind for others to consume, relate to, and learn from.

We want you to have a dialog with your illness. We want you to grow and flourish and be all that is possible. We want you to help educate others. We want your creative voices to join us in changing the world!

Do you live with someone who is diagnosed with a mental illness? Please, join us. Your viewpoint is just as weighty as ours.

Jade writes on the Contribution page:

There are no restrictions as to what you write or in what form you write in, and no issue is excluded. This is your piece of writing, and it is for you to make it whatever you want it to be, so there is no wrong way to do this, but here are some suggestions of forms you might like to write in:

A letter
A poem
A short essay/blog post
A script-like conversation (between you and your issue)
A short story/flash fiction (involving you both as characters)
A piece of art – see the ‘Art’ page for more information.

Like I said, you are not restricted to these forms and I encourage you to use your imagination, but I put emphasis on the fact that the act of writing your piece should (I hope!) act as a coping method and a technique that will help you to deal with your mental health and to feel better and think differently about it.

Get out from #behindthedisguise!  Click here to go to the How to Contribute page of Letters to the Mind blog project.

How Do I Survive the Weekend?

via Brighton Bipolar
about the author

Brighton Bipolar header

This weekend my husband and I are heading off with another couple for two days in France. Triggered by my recent depressive slump, they thought it would ‘Cheer me Up’ to get away for a short break.

Whilst I appreciate the thought, words can’t express how terrified I am.

I’m in a depressive phase, which means I have very little energy and sleep A LOT. My moods are cycling rapidly and can turn from anger or confusion to deep sadness in a very short space of time. Today I didn’t Wake up until 2pm and am still exhausted. It’s the need for sleep/lack of energy issue that causes me the most concern with this weekend trip.

I have to be up and ready to leave at 5am Saturday morning – lack of sleep tends to make all my other symptoms worse and the couple we are traveling with could end up facing some of my more ‘Antisocial’ behaviours. I’m also not sure it’s safe for me to be on the back of a motorcycle for hours on end when feeling dizzy, confused and exhausted.

What happens if I have ‘An Episode’? – Usually a long depressive phase like the one I’m in now culminates in a huge meltdown, which is not pretty. It’s been almost a year since my last Episode and I’m terrified that I’m due another any time soon. Whilst my husband has seen me through many of these breakdowns before I’m positive his friends don’t want to be saddled with a screaming, crying, hallucinating harpy literally punching and kicking anyone within arms reach. Although I wouldn’t normally hurt a fly, my Episodes can often be very violent towards those around me as well as myself.

What if my mood turns Manic? – When in the clutches of Mania I come across as the life and soul of the party, talking a mile a minute and making very dubious choices. People would describe me as ‘Fun’ and ‘Bubbly’ as I throw caution to the wind and take dangerous risks without fear. During Manic phases, I am invincible and my naturally flirtatious personality turns into Hypersexuality. Yes, I become a slut. I’m not proud of my behaviour when in the throws of Mania but at the time, I’m feeling great and function on instinct rather than rationality. Hypersexuality is one of the myriad symptoms of Bipolar but isn’t really talked about, the shame and embarrassment we feel about these moments isn’t something that’s easily shared.

What happens if I have ‘An Episode’? – Usually a long depressive phase like the one I’m in now culminates in a huge meltdown, which is not pretty. It’s been almost a year since my last Episode and I’m terrified that I’m due another any time soon. Whilst my husband has seen me through many of these breakdowns before I’m positive his friends don’t want to be saddled with a screaming, crying, hallucinating harpy literally punching and kicking anyone within arms reach. Although I wouldn’t normally hurt a fly, my Episodes can often be very violent towards those around me as well as myself.

What if my mood turns Manic? – When in the clutches of Mania I come across as the life and soul of the party, talking a mile a minute and making very dubious choices. People would describe me as ‘Fun’ and ‘Bubbly’ as I throw caution to the wind and take dangerous risks without fear. During Manic phases, I am invincible and my naturally flirtatious personality turns into Hypersexuality. Yes, I become a slut. I’m not proud of my behaviour when in the throws of Mania but at the time, I’m feeling great and function on instinct rather than rationality. Hypersexuality is one of the myriad symptoms of Bipolar but isn’t really talked about, the shame and embarrassment we feel about these moments isn’t something that’s easily shared.

I don’t want to disappoint my husband and his friends, but am terrified they may get a glimpse of ‘The Real Me’ behind the mask I put on daily. People often THINK they know what living with this condition is like but are nowhere near prepared for the reality. I’ve scared off friends and family before and have lost count of the times I’ve been referred to as ‘Crazy’ or ‘Psychotic’. It breaks my heart that I am so terrified of ‘Me’.

 

 

It’s a Bipolar Life: Quotes from the Edge

bipolar_disorderAs I revealed in my post, I live with bipolar disorder but let me be clear, I AM NOT CRAZY! She says, screaming, at an audience that isn’t really here. But seriously, Bipolar Disorder directly affects a staggering 51 MILLION adults worldwide, we don’t even have to count the impact this disease has on their friends, families, co-workers, and neighbors. So listen up! Let’s learn a couple facts:

 

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First I’m Up and then I’m Down… Who Am I?

Duality by d3rkangel*
Duality by d3rkangel*

One of my biggest struggles in life is all the emotional ups-and-downs I go through. We all have our ups. We all have our downs. And for me, those two things are extreme opposites.  I haven’t shared this with my readers before, but I am bipolar… manic-depressive, not CRAZY, which is the common misperception of the public. Some days I have amazing awareness, non-stop energy, I am a superhero who doesn’t need to sleep for days and I become a whirlwind house wizard in addition to the fact that I can do all and be all to myself and everyone around me. Life is awesome, exciting and fun. That is mania.

Tweet: First I'm Up and then I'm Down... Who Am I? http://ctt.ec/7z9a5+   #bipolar #mentalillness #chronicdepression #mania #manic #rollercoaster

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