One of my biggest struggles in life is all the emotional ups and downs I go through. We all have our ups. We all have our downs. And for me, those two things are extreme opposites. I haven’t shared this with my readers before, but I am bipolar… manic-depressive, not CRAZY, which is the common misperception of the public. Some days I have amazing awareness, non-stop energy, I am a superhero who doesn’t need to sleep for days and I become a whirlwind house wizard in addition to the fact that I can do all and be all to myself and everyone around me. Life is awesome, exciting and fun. That is mania.
Everyone who is bipolar loves mania. Mania is fun and exciting and you’re not afraid of anything because you can (or at least believe that you can ) do it all. Unfortunately, the downside of bipolar is the depressive phase which is extremely oppressive. Depending on where you are in the cycle you may not have the ability to get out of bed in the morning, shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, go to work, talk to a single human being or even stay awake. It is everything that mania isn’t. Some days you have zero functionality. Manic is the superhero and Depressive is the anti-hero, the antagonist, the bad guy, your own personal villain and, unfortunately, the villain spends more time ruling the roost you call your life.
I am not talking about multiple personality disorder, that is a completely different disorder and should not be considered as remotely similar. Yes, I have two totally different sides of me, the fun, perky side that everyone loves and wants to be friends with and the depressed, non-functioning, all I can do is sleep side where I cannot even be my own friend. Which do you think I prefer? Obviously the manic side. Being depressed and having the inability to do anything sucks the Golden Egg that has fermented from lack of use. Sadly meds work amazingly well on tempering the mania, pushing it down, keeping it at bay but does very little to remedy the effects of the depressive side. Bipolar depression is more severe than most depression medications can handle. And then there are people like me who have epilepsy. Most medicines lower a person’s seizure threshold, epileptic or not. So I am limited to what medications I can try. You’re probably wondering now why I would be on medication at all if I can choose the manic side simply by not taking the medication. Mania can lead to making poor choices, choices that can impact life greatly in a negative way or worse, lead to death.
Anyway, I tell this to you, my readers, because if I’m not sharing with you or commenting on your posts it is not for lack of wanting to but for lack of being able to. Bipolar depression tends to dominate much of my days because I do take my medicine daily. I wish I could have ups and downs that were not extreme, but as I said, I live life on a roller coaster. There is a lot of drama and a lot of pain that I cannot control even when I try my best to do so and then there are moments of fantastic, incredible and amazing flashes of brilliance and performance which is where I wish I could live my life… but being manic isn’t always all that. I just quit my job. I don’t have another job lined up and I’m not really looking for a job. Why? Because I quit when I was manic and then like a switch being flipped the next day I was depressed (though not about quitting my job) and not able to do what needs to be done to get a new one.
Anyhow, just wanted to take a moment to say something, anything to let you know I am still here, I’m just not a whole human being right now.