How Do I Survive the Weekend?

Via Brighton Bipolar
About the author

This weekend my husband and I are heading off with another couple for two days in France. Triggered by my recent depressive slump, they thought it would ‘Cheer me Up’ to get away for a short break.

Whilst I appreciate the thought, words can’t express how terrified I am.

I’m in a depressive phase, which means I have very little energy and sleep A LOT. My moods are cycling rapidly and can turn from anger or confusion to deep sadness in a very short space of time. Today I didn’t Wake up until 2pm and am still exhausted. It’s the need for sleep/lack of energy issue that causes me the most concern with this weekend trip.

I have to be up and ready to leave at 5am Saturday morning – lack of sleep tends to make all my other symptoms worse and the couple we are traveling with could end up facing some of my more ‘Antisocial’ behaviours. I’m also not sure it’s safe for me to be on the back of a motorcycle for hours on end when feeling dizzy, confused and exhausted.

What happens if I have ‘An Episode’? – Usually a long depressive phase like the one I’m in now culminates in a huge meltdown, which is not pretty. It’s been almost a year since my last Episode and I’m terrified that I’m due another any time soon. Whilst my husband has seen me through many of these breakdowns before I’m positive his friends don’t want to be saddled with a screaming, crying, hallucinating harpy literally punching and kicking anyone within arms reach. Although I wouldn’t normally hurt a fly, my Episodes can often be very violent towards those around me as well as myself.

What if my mood turns Manic? – When in the clutches of Mania I come across as the life and soul of the party, talking a mile a minute and making very dubious choices. People would describe me as ‘Fun’ and ‘Bubbly’ as I throw caution to the wind and take dangerous risks without fear. During Manic phases, I am invincible and my naturally flirtatious personality turns into Hypersexuality. Yes, I become a slut. I’m not proud of my behaviour when in the throws of Mania but at the time, I’m feeling great and function on instinct rather than rationality. Hypersexuality is one of the myriad symptoms of Bipolar but isn’t really talked about, the shame and embarrassment we feel about these moments isn’t something that’s easily shared.

What happens if I have ‘An Episode’? – Usually a long depressive phase like the one I’m in now culminates in a huge meltdown, which is not pretty. It’s been almost a year since my last Episode and I’m terrified that I’m due another any time soon. Whilst my husband has seen me through many of these breakdowns before I’m positive his friends don’t want to be saddled with a screaming, crying, hallucinating harpy literally punching and kicking anyone within arms reach. Although I wouldn’t normally hurt a fly, my Episodes can often be very violent towards those around me as well as myself.

What if my mood turns Manic? – When in the clutches of Mania I come across as the life and soul of the party, talking a mile a minute and making very dubious choices. People would describe me as ‘Fun’ and ‘Bubbly’ as I throw caution to the wind and take dangerous risks without fear. During Manic phases, I am invincible and my naturally flirtatious personality turns into Hypersexuality. Yes, I become a slut. I’m not proud of my behaviour when in the throws of Mania but at the time, I’m feeling great and function on instinct rather than rationality. Hypersexuality is one of the myriad symptoms of Bipolar but isn’t really talked about, the shame and embarrassment we feel about these moments isn’t something that’s easily shared.

I don’t want to disappoint my husband and his friends, but am terrified they may get a glimpse of ‘The Real Me’ behind the mask I put on daily. People often THINK they know what living with this condition is like but are nowhere near prepared for the reality. I’ve scared off friends and family before and have lost count of the times I’ve been referred to as ‘Crazy’ or ‘Psychotic’. It breaks my heart that I am so terrified of ‘Me’.

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