Wow.  We cannot ever be friends again, at any level.  You are dead to me.  And honestly, I cannot promise that I will be alive a year from now because of this. You are the number 2 person in my life, have been for more than a decade. The reason I can never break up with you is that I cannot breathe when we are apart… two years go by and I still cannot breathe.  I learned that lesson and decided to be happy with what I had and told you I wouldn’t try to break up with you again.  Life without you suffocates me.  Making that verbal commitment to you, that gave me peace and I had been happy ever since.  You knew my limits and you made a decision and here is what I have to say about it:

Thanks so much for not being the person I believed in, stood beside, respected above all others and loved passionately and unconditionally. I really pity the situation.  Thanks for being the person everybody always told me you were, a jerk, a user and a dick.

Thank you for all of the fantastic memories that you have stolen away from me.  Thanks for all of the “I Love Yous” that were lies. Thanks for 12 great years of sex and frustration, ups-and-downs, thanks for being the lover that lied day in and day out to me.

And thank you for being so cruel as to send me a text message.  I guess I truly am not loveable to anyone.  I thought you were different.  I thought you were the one person on earth who loved me for me.  I gave you every single bit of myself, the good, the bad and the ugly and yet you still stood by me, supported me and accepted me… and lied to me and mislead me and fucked me.  You are worse than anyone and deserve to just kill yourself.  Had you drown last week I would have died.  Now, I hate you. Hate you with everything I have, everything I am.

Oh, and thank you for stealing the last twelve years of my life.  You know I will never be able to love anyone again because it was all given to you.  And you shat on me.  How can I trust anyone when the only person, THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON I EVER TRUSTED has just committed the greatest betrayal against me?  You are worse than Aaron and I don’t say that lightly.  I wasn’t in love with him and he never pretended to be in love with me, he just strangled me on multiple occasions, beat me, raped me and tried to kill me.  You are worse than he is.  You are a liar.  You’ve lied to me for a dozen years and you’ve lied to Traci for a dozen years.  You never deserved me and now you’re getting what you want.  I am done.  I get to suffer the pain of false memories and lies; I get to suffer the loss of my miscarriages alone, the pregnancies that occurred because you wanted to have babies with me.  A dream come true, or so I thought.

Don’t call me, don’t message me, don’t text me and don’t go to my funeral when I’m gone.  I am no longer interested in going to yours.  I am dead to you now, today!  This has been the most disrespectful thing imaginable and I never ever thought this was inside you.  Such ugliness and hatred.  I have had so many people pity me since 2003 for having fallen in love with you, but we don’t choose who we love. I have lost meaningful relationships all because I trusted in you and in us.  I have Iost respect from friends and loved ones because I always stood by you and defended you.  I believed 100% in you. Now I can never believe a thing you say again. You don’t love Traci, you and I both now that.  You have given up on yourself and I pity that.  No one in the world respected you, loved you, desired you or believed in you as much as I have and no one ever will.  Just sad.  Sad, sad, sad, pitiful life that is what is in your future because you have just shut the door on the light at the end of your darkness and despair.  You now get to spend the rest of your life talking to a legally recognized retarded person.  How stimulating and fun that will be! Thank goodness she has no idea that you slept with her, a total stranger walking down the street on a $10 bet that she was a slut. I had discounted it because you were so young at the time, didn’t know any better and had shown huge growth in maturity since becoming a father.  Well, I guess you won more than $10!

You were my family.  Your boys were part of me.  BB was like a son to me.  You told me I was responsible for Baby-D coming into existence because I rejected you and that meant that I was responsible for him too.  And I took it seriously.  I broke up with you and so you made yet another baby.  I forgave you for Baby-M because really, we were broken up at the time and so I didn’t feel betrayed.  I just felt sad that you needed to fill in the holes that I left in your heart with babies.  And then I held them, and rocked them, and loved them as much as I love my own son, because you put responsibility for their coming into this world on me.  In the very beginning I said I would never hurt you.  What I meant was that I wouldn’t ever truly leave you.  And I haven’t left you, I never really gave up.  Now, baby, I am all about hurting you.  I feel changed, different, dirty, repulsed and repulsive.  What a waste of life we both are.  Just disgusting creatures, you and I… no wonder I always knew from the first moment I saw you that we were inevitable, the perfect pair, that you were my soul mate.  We are gross and disgusting and don’t deserve the happiness that life can bring.  That’s why we chose each other I guess.  Thanks for the pain, hope it makes you feel totally, fucking awesome!

Congratulations on getting married during our date we had planned for today. Now your wedding anniversary is going to forever haunt you because of the evil you committed against me today.  You won’t forget it and you’ll hate yourself even more because of it. You’ve just lost the best friend you have ever had and will ever have.

Too harsh?  It’s nothing compared to what you’ve done to me!

Be angry.  Come after me, I don’t care.  You’ve just killed what was left of the goodness in me… I am ready to face your wrath for tagging everyone in your life from business to family members. If you’d had the nerve to do this face-to-face you would have been able to do some damage control but nope, I’m a wild cannon now!  You are making poor, poor choices!  You can see me changing, now, before your eyes.  I have never made waves in your life, I always supported you in whatever decision you made and I always looked out for the boys first.  But in a blink of an eye I just don’t care who gets hurt.  I hope someday you will feel a deep chasm of shame for turning me into this kind of person who lashes out with hate and venom.  I always told you that you were powerful.  I guess I didn’t even know what that meant.  Be proud, hold your head up high and remember; you are not the martyr you try to be.

And not only are you a liar and a coward but you know I have this big, life-changing position I have applied for and you go and sabotage me before I even get a chance.  You must really hate me to do that.

You know what else; I cannot believe that you have waited until I am no longer suitable to bare you children to break up with me.  You take all of my remaining years of beauty, intelligence and fertility and allowed me to waste them on you!  I hate you and I hate me for believing in you!  You are a horrid, horrid man.

You were the only one who could calm me down when I was frightened.  The only person on the planet that has ever made me feel safe and now you’ve taken my safety net, pulled it right out from under me.  I know I am ranting to our friends and family and not you, because I unfriended you but still, it feels good because now everyone will know what kind of man you turned out to be.  You should be so proud!  I know I am making myself look crazy and evil and gross doing this, putting this all out there, but I am okay with that.  You used to cut yourself, I am thinking of taking up the habit.  Maybe I can live through this after all, just maybe, if I can get the pain out of my body, my heart, my mind, my blood, my skin.  No one has ever accused me of being crazy before but now, yep, I feel pretty certifiable.  Have fun with this.  Maybe it will finally give you the success we both worked so hard for you to get.  Yep, cutting is starting to sound better and better.  Where should I start?  My heart?  My face?  My vagina?  My breasts?  You always loved my breasts, maybe they should be the first to start showing the physical scars you have thrust so cruelly upon me.  The new and improved me… is this what you wanted?  Someone as fucking crazy as you are?  You got it babe, I’m just as messed up as you now. And yet what was there to gain?  Nothing but pain for everyone.  You’re a real winner!

I loved you with all the passion in the world, you know that.  Now I plan on hating you with that same level of intensity.  Now that I have met Devlin Sinistri, your dark side, I will never again feel respect, admiration, awe or love for you; just hatred, cold, dark hatred.  Bravo!

I am free at last and you have proved what you always believed, you are not good enough for me, never were and never can be. I hope this public rant and all of the lies you will create to cover up the truth will give you all the success you have spent your life looking for, only I hope that success is not fame and glory but rather infamy.

3 thoughts

  1. Is this a true story? YOUR story? If either is yes, wow. Well just so it’s known, the guy portrayed in this piece isn’t unique. He has brothers. Uncles. Male cousins. Sons. He has passed his brand of nastiness on. I don’t know where that type of guy learns those things, but I pray it stops. I honestly got cold chills reading that, because sans the whole babies bit, that is my story and someone I gave over 35 years of my life to. For many of the same reasons. He is gone now, banished at last by me. And that day? The day he left for good? Has been the best day of my life. Because I made it happen.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Humm…I hope this person figures out why she gave so much of herself to someone who seems to be a pathological narcissist. I know it seems like an over-worked phrase but this group of sadists put in lots of hours to make the lives of other people miserable. It is their joy.

    Liked by 1 person

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