Placed in the Middle

Placed in the Middle | Memee's Musings

So it is 2:00 a.m. and finally I am compelled to write something. This is not a post about me and the struggles I’ve been going through for the past month. This is about someone else’s struggles, two people’s actually. My oldest, dearest friend and his wife.

Around eleven a.m. I got on Facebook and found that she had made a post which was very out of character for her. It wasn’t up for long so I cannot quote it, however it said something like, I am totally heartbroken. Sometimes there’s just nothing more you can do.

The women who responded all interpreted it the same way as I did, uh-oh big time marital problems. I didn’t know what to say and I certainly didn’t want to be having a discussion on Facebook. So I said nothing in the hopes that I could get away with “not having seen it.” The fact that she later removed the post certainly helps me with that little pretend.

Tonight however she private messaged me. We don’t text or call each other so this was unusual as well. When we get together we eat, drink wine, and share like sisters… though honestly, I am much more upfront and revealing about my world than she is with hers. We click. We click like we’ve known each other our entire lives although we’ve only known each other in person for just under a year. Her husband on the other hand I’ve been friends with for 32 years. We click too. And in the same way, like we’ve known each other our entire lives. No, actually, that’s not true. it’s like we’ve known each other for a millennium of lifetimes. It’s always been that way. Even when we were fifteen.

We would come together and click. And then, as life does, we’d turn and go our separate ways, but life would inevitable put us back in each other’s paths unexpectedly and without intention on our parts. It has happened four times so far. Needless to say I love them both and want them to be happy.

And so I found myself having this online chat about the marriage problems of two very close friends who I love. I don’t want to be involved or put in the middle of it. And I was confused about her deciding I was the person she wanted to make her confidante, after all I have much lengthier history with her husband. I listened. I’m good at it. People open up to me. Even strangers will tell me their woes, especially on days when I really don’t want to talk to anyone (lol,it’s something I’m trying to learn to accept and embrace as the gift God meant for it to be.) I listened because I didn’t want to turn a friend in crisis away when a friend was needed more than ever.

I listened. I encouraged her to continue trying, and to not beat herself up for the mistakes she has played in the collapse of her marriage, and I reminded her that no matter what happens she is a strong woman and will indeed survive. I believe I did right by her in the conversation as a friend and as a “sister.” When she seemed to begin wallowing in the “I can’t live without him. He’s my life. He’s my soulmate.” I put her in check with that. Meaning, I told her I felt she was throwing salt on her wounds (but I was much, much gentler than that).

And now we come to the reason for this post. I told her the truth as I see it: This is a learning lesson and an opportunity for growth for both of them. They will either come out the other side of it stronger individuals or stronger as a couple… whatever is God’s will. Here’s the thing though. I’ve been witness to the workings of the marriage during this past year, and privy to the problems for several years. She is mentally abusive to her husband and she does not recognize it or take responsibility for it. In my book that there tells me they are not soulmates. If someone is your soulmate hurting them would hurt you just as much, if not more. You just couldn’t be abusive to a soulmate, no matter who you are or how fucked up you are mentally. Of course that’s just my opinion. I’m wondering do you agree with that idea? But then on the other side of the coin perhaps the three of us are soulmates to each other, manifesting relationships with one another in different life bodies and roles.

I know it seems odd that I claim to be a Christian and then I talk about past lives. I just don’t think we living humans have it all figured out yet. I think we agree to a contract before we are born of the lessons we will endure because with each life manifestation we become closer and closer to our god-like selves we are meant to be. I don’t know. I also believe in Heaven. I also believe that when we die our souls sleep and sometimes our souls dream too.

Life is complicated and while living it we never truly figure it out. My views expressed in the preceding paragraph are very dialectical. But you know what, so is life. I both believe I am unworthy of friendships and loving relationships while at the same time believe in equal measure that I am a great catch and wonderful friend. And so I say if I can hold two equal beliefs at the same time in life so too can I for “religion or faith.” God knows me, loves me and accepts me even if I happen to be wrong and even if I am a sinner. And you know what, He loves and accepts you too!

Sorry, I got off track there. I am a stream-of-consciousness writer so it happens frequently. Anyway, I’d like to conclude by saying that I definitely do not want to be counselor to either of them. I tried to make it clear to her, but she kept on and I was patient and kind. Please pray for me that this does not become a pattern for her to come to me. It really puts me in an awkward place. Likewise, I don’t intend to counsel him. I doubt he’ll come to me anyway… this is so much more complicated than past conversations. However, if he does I will tell him what I told her… “Shouldn’t you be telling [her] these things?” Marriage is tough enough and when people begin to drown inside of it, adding an untrained person to the mix is the worst idea ever! Thankfully, at his request, she will begin counselling soon. I honestly hope she learns to see and accept some of her behavior for what it is. There are things he has done as well. No one is blameless and no one is perfect and if they both want to fix it, then I believe it can be fixed by taking one step at a time and having patience and not relying on a non-professional’s advice aka interference to dictate your behaviors.

I pray that the outcome, whatever it may be, is ultimately in the best interest of both of them.

p.s. It is interesting that my entire life seems to be coming full circle. This blog began with my own heartbreak and crisis. If I can survive, she can too (she’s actually much stronger than I.) I have another longtime friend who says his life is coming full circle. Is yours also? If so, let me know… I’m curious to see if this is a universal pattern.

This wonderful photograph was taken by Josh Pepper and acquired through Unsplash. It’s a great source for free photos under the Creative Commons Zero license, so check it out!

Scorned Woman Lashes Out on Facebook: 12 Years of Love and What Did She Get? A Dear Joan Text

TECH-breaking-up-online-2

 

Wow.  We cannot ever be friends again, at any level.  You are dead to me.  And honestly, I cannot promise that I will be alive a year from now because of this. You are the number 2 person in my life, have been for more than a decade. The reason I can never break up with you is that I cannot breathe when we are apart… two years go by and I still cannot breathe.  I learned that lesson and decided to be happy with what I had and told you I wouldn’t try to break up with you again.  Life without you suffocates me.  Making that verbal commitment to you, that gave me peace and I had been happy ever since.  You knew my limits and you made a decision and here is what I have to say about it: Continue reading

Your Most Precious Possession

Memory

 

Many months ago I was thumbing through a Voice for Health pamphlet at my chiropractor’s office. Now, I do not recall if I read the article though I am inclined to think I did because I brought the pamphlet home with me, folded and creased to a specific article which I had also dog-eared. So I assume it was in fact something I had purposefully thought of using or sharing… something. I have still not revisited the article, however, a little over a week ago I stumbled upon that open, dog-eared article once again. It’s title: Your Most Precious Possession. I said to myself, right then and there, this will be a future blog post! I did not however know at that time what my most precious possession was. Continue reading

The Funeral that Saved a Life

Moving-On-Quotes-0085-87-6Well it’s done. The first time I had to see my ex since the heart-wrenching, disrespectful break-up. And, I am so proud of myself! I felt no pangs of lust or desire and I even “congratulated” his new bride. It was a moment I had not expected to come, but we were face-to-face and so I held my head high, reached out to catch her attention and congratulated her with full sincerity. I could tell by her expression that she was very wary, and that’s okay. We had a harsh introduction to this new relationship status we both shockingly found ourselves in. I take responsibility for my actions and the subsequent fears they arose for her. But now, I don’t feel afraid about what if I bump into her? What if I bump into him? It’s done. That frightening milestone for the future has passed. And we can all go on with our lives. Closure, damn it feels good!

☀ ☀ ☀ ☀ ☀

For more on our story and my road to healing you can read these previous posts:

Dream Reader You’re My Dream Weaver

Flirting With Disaster

Our Song: Then and Now

I’m Pathetic and I Know It

There are others scattered about, you can find them in my Thoughts Treasury and from time to time others may flow onto this page. After spending twelve years together and a never-saw-it-coming end (and considering how ugly it actually got), I wouldn’t be surprised if things come up from time to time. However, I am mostly healed and I have certainly moved on. Yay me!

How Do I Love Thee Poetry Party #howdoilovetheepoetryparty

Poetry Party!

Blogging 201, your pace is kickin’ my butt! Today I was supposed to dive into social networking and before I even got a chance to get to it you’ve posted that it’s now time to learn more about events! What the heck, I’m already behind so skipping ahead, here I am, hours later, creating my first event, it’s the: How do I Love Thee Poetry Party! Continue reading

Sitting Alone

Sitting Alone

Sitting alone upon my bed
memories of times together we shared
these visions of you are clogging my head.
I eat. I drink. I sleep.

Sitting alone upon my bed
memories of times together we shared
these visions of you are clogging my head.
I cry. I weep. I steep.

Sitting alone upon my bed
memories of times together we shared
these visions of you are clogging my head.
I hunger; I thirst for your touch
I weep as I sleep dreaming of us.

I awaken and start my day anew.
In the morning I’ll begin the day
feeling happy just thinking of you
because for a brief moment of time
I am able to forget
that in a few short hours I’ll be all alone
in what once was our bed.

 I’ll wail.  I’ll wallow.  My heart filled with sorrow
I now remember what will inevitably follow:
Dreams of you that feel so real
that once again I will forget
that we’re not together
the past is dead.

Again I will waken and start a day fresh and new.
In the morning I’ll feel happiness
I’ll be thinking of you.
For a short time
dreams will make me forget
that once again I will find myself
sitting alone upon my bed
with visions of you clogging my head.

*Special shout out to Jasmine for the poem challenge. You keep inspiring me with your writing, your openness and desire to connect!
Beauty is Found Everywhere

Our Song: Then and Now

You hold my heart in your handsThis has been a very difficult week for me. There is no reason for it being more difficult than the week before, other than, I suppose, I am healing from the pain of my broken heart. I am learning acceptance despite my desire to rebuke the truth that we have no future. I am so broken and yet I continue breathing despite my strong desire to just close my eyes and sleep. Continue reading