Note: This post was handwritten (printed!) in a 4.75×3″ spiral notebook during the height of a full-blown manic episode. It is genius as you can see how crazy fast the brain was unravelling. My ending thoughts never made it onto the paper as I suddenly and instantly transitioned out of mania and into nothingness. The next day I couldn’t even find the notebook. The date was Dec. 15, 2016 and I have just now April 22, 2017, found the notebook and am about to read/type it for the first time since that night.
I hope you find it as fascinating to read as I was excited to be writing it! It is a long read. However if you get tired of reading it, just scrolling down you will see some of the magical brain unraveling over the course of writing it.
Being in the full-blown manic state is living 100% in the moment, every single second. And your brain is more than fully engaged, it is hyper-engaged! I experience perhaps 5000 FABULOUS ideas, plans, and schemes from one second to the next and find myself living in the whim of whatever idea, plan, or scheme lures my engagement in that exact moment the thought crosses the neurotransmitters of thought.
This full engagement is fantastic! Sometimes I think that what we call today “bipolar” or “autism” or “asperger’s” are really not mental illness or handicaps but an evolution of our species. These different-brained folks have gifts that reach beyond those of the “average norm” of thinking and behaving — hold that thought for a moment and I will try to return to it.
I just now discovered through my current multi-leveled thinking or presence in all that is around me that I am handwriting this post in a 5×3 notepad! CRAZY!
Now back to topic:
I just recognized also that although 100% of my blog posts are stream of consciousness thinking and writing as organic as that is I am still writing one word at a time with no idea where the journey will take me… I always discover it after it is finished and i re-read it for typos, misspellings, and obvious grammar errors. And that writing now in this organic yet manic state that my thoughts are not meandering as much as is typical when I post. Frequently my posts change direction midway to my surprise, but this post is turning out to be succinct and on topic despite the million things I have thought of while printing this in my tiny 5×3 inch notebook!
Before stopping I want to emphasize the benefits of mania.
2. Excessive energy, drive, and motivation
3. Accomplishments, lots of accomplishments in a short amount of time
4. Having the ability to multitask like a supercomputer A.I.
5. All things are possible and therefore success and pride abound!
And those are just a few of the gifts that being a bipolar individual can bring.
Unfortunately manic phases, at least for me, are short-lived and divided by long periods of depression at the same level of intensity. Oh, and three side affects of mania are:
1. No sleeping
2. Constant talking, fast and loud — and for the record, I am not a talker. I am a listener. So that’s pretty weird, right?
3. I become fast and loose with money. In the past 24 hours I have spent over $200 on Christmas gifts to myself. Why not? I’ve earned them! I have had a helluva year and suffered through 8 to 9 months of varying degrees of depression.
Here’s my scale…
The photo is graphic and disturbing. Proceed with caution!
Phase one is deep depression. Desires and longing for death; feelings of total and complete worthlessness; the absolute belief that I have nothing of worth to share with humanity (neighbors, jobs, communities) nor anything of value to share with my world (family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances); the full and complete knowledge and acceptance in the fact that my life does not matter. Life for those in my world will march forward without me. My life has changed nothing. Not for them, not for the communities I am a member of, not for our country, our world, our galaxy, or the universe…
Which brings to mind this example of what life is like living in two different existences: String theory says there are multi-universes, meaning other dimensions of “us” with different choices and outcomes being made! Wow, incredible! I live in two dimensions! Can you say that about yourself and have the evidence to back it up? Because I do!
And another side effect is frizzy hair! I am certain it is from lack of sleep. The brain is not meant to shut down certain specific functions so it can restore out entire bodily functions. It screws with our electrical output. This particular manic episode has been interesting in that I am extremely jumpy. I have “jumped” and heard my voice squeal in fright at least 20x today. I am jumping at movement that does not exist…
at least not in this dimension!
The funniest was when my dog, lying on the floor about 4 feet ahead of me lifted his tail in a half-wag. I jumped sky-high! That’s a mile, right? LOL, I crack myself up!
In fact, this happened today: I had to drive into town to pick up some medication at the pharmacy. It was snowing out but I needed it, I’d be out otherwise. And if you’re thinking that’s not a big deal than you do not live in the Pacific NW. Our snow here is not the same as back East or even up North. It is extremely treacherous because it is in a constant state of transition of snowing, melting, freezing, snowing, melting, freezing. It creates layer after layer of black ice. And, to top it off, the majority of people out here don’t know how to drive in snow but that doesn’t keep them from trying; driving too fast, making last minute decisions, breaking, attempting to summit hills and traverse down those same steep hills as though they were on a waterslide. Hey! I guess, they ARE on a waterslide of sorts! LOL. Predictably and ultimately they slide off course ending up either crashing into other vehicles or in a ditch. Surprisingly however, they rarely plowdown pedestrians who are not fool enough to risk life and limb to reach a goal. I guess they’re not bipolar.
See what I did there? I went off on a tangent not relevant yet related to the topic at hand. I just proved how adept I am at stream of consciousness writing. I mislead you down an unknown path, which you followed and ultimately you arrived at the same destination: Bipolar. From bipolar to driving in snow to bipolar again for those of you who may be feeling lost. But don’t worry, I’ve got this under control. This post is still tugging me stronger than the tens of millions of thoughts that have crossed my mind since we began. And I’ll prove it now.
When I arrived at the aforementioned pharmacy my hair became conductive! It was literally reaching and grabbing at my face like static cling. I couldn’t get it off my face! I would brush it away or push it to the back of my head but it would immediately return to my face, tickling my cheeks, my mouth, my nose. I know that when it snows the ion consistency of our atmosphere is significantly different than all other weather conditions which is why it has that unique smell which we all identify as “it’s going to snow.” Now, it’s true we’re not accustomed to snow here in the West like the rest of the country, however, that #fakescience #fakenews #conspiracytheory of #globalwarming is to blame for that. Twenty-five years ago when I moved here it never snowed. Now it is every year with a #bigsnow about every seven years which would be in 2019 as we did #shutdowneverything for the #snowpocolypse of 2012. Which, I should mention, would have the rest of the world laughing at us.
— Quick break. It’s getting very cold again so I’ve got to add another heater and pee… I’ve been holding it for a long time. I’m going to go multitask for a moment and, if we are lucky, some other whim will not take my fancy and I’ll be able to come straight back and finish my train of thought. I know I can do it. I can do anything! #ThisLifeRules #ManiaIsMyFriend.
And by the way, the hashtags, yeah, that’s a behavior shift most definitely. Be right back have a lot more to say.
I am very lucid right now and surprisingly do know exactly where I am going with this piece (and I don’t mean Letters to the Mind though I will most definitely share it with that community. This article will definitely #furtherunderstanding about #bipolar and #mentalillness and take us on another step to #endstigma. This is going to be powerful!
I cannot promise to return from my #peebreak but I can promise that if you keep reading you’ll gain greater understanding. Okay, #peetime #pottyfirst #heatersecond.
Okay, I’m back! #ToldYou.
#Lying. Stopped to put on a #Seahawk knit hat to cover my ears, slip on a cozy coat, slide on my fingerless gloves, and take 5 gulps of #AlpineRose chocolate milk. #MyFavorite.
#LetsGetReal. I have seriously used up half of this notebook thus far so I also grabbed — and I am beginning to hear another whim increasing in intensity. This #girlsgotgoals #livinginthemoment #truthbetold
Oh yeah, better write this down!
Double damn! #IHadIt
Whew! Got it back. Took a few, I was #gettingworried. But I’ve written my reminder so let’s #finishthisup. This post is about the Four Faces of #Memee @Memeesmusings on #Twitter. And I previously warned you about the image and have explained stage one or #Face1 which represents the words that the image tells and that’s the graphic part. #HardPartsOver #YouMadeIt
So, stage 2 #Face2. This is the stage I pretty much live in. #TheBlahs
Hey! I just realized I’ve also already covered stage 4 #Face4
Back to stage 2: The Blahs #FormerlyKnownAs #theduldrums
#archaic! also known as #WhotheFuckCares
Gotta love the modern English lexicon.
I am pretty sure you have a good idea about what this stage is all about because #everyonesuffers #fromtime2time Here is what that looks like for me…
Oh, I remember something that I thought was important to include about the negative side effects of #mania. #SoImportant!
There are two different kinds of #BipolarDisorder #formerlyknownas #ManicDepressive #Archaic
I suffer from Bipolar 2 (depressive bipolar with hypomanic episodes that last up to but do not exceed 5 days) with #rapidcycling.
#RapidCycling doesn’t mean I ride a bike super fast all over the place. However, that’s a pretty apt way to think of mania as one symptom is — I #gaveyouahint earlier
I know, I know, you’re feeling a little stupid right now. That’s okay. #IForgiveYou #I_Love_You #My_Minion
I bet you thought because we had #alreadycovered faces two and four that this post would become #shorterthanotherwise #Sorry2Disappoint #I’mMemee. I’m a Blabberer Not a Summarizer.
#Managing to #useitup #anyway #HavingFunDoingIt
#LongReads are my #specialty #it’llbeworthit #IntheEnd #Ipromise
#StreamofConsciousness stops when there’s no more to say… Ugh-oh! #I’mManic I talk incessantly. I work nonstop. #WhatIDon’tDo is #SlowDown #FullStop
We may be in for the ride of our lives! I’ll try to #SpitItOut #Just4U
Oh grudge! We’re still on Stage 2, The Blahs. Sorry about that! Stage 3 will be short, I promise. #Damn #LotsofPromises in this post! #ForgiveMe please.
So what rapid cycling means is that I have —
#IAmSuperSmart #Spontaneous #BrilliantWay to #KeepPromise to #SpitItOut. Here’s a #Snippet instead:
And that my friends is where I finally fell asleep 4 days after entering my mania and did not complete the post or deliver on my promises. When I woke back up the mania was gone. But if you read all of that, I’m sure you’re grateful to be done!
I do find it a fascinating read, seeing the mind in mania in action and evolving.
Here is the note I had written down to complete this article:
“Well, this did not turn out to be as succinct as I thought it would be. But it is clear and cohesive. #Memeeforthewin! You should have known that though because I am usually long-winded in my writing — well, except for my #FlashFiction.