First Love: Revisited

photo provided by peroxide & glitter

My last relationship post was about the definition of love and what it means to me. I began this blog as a way of healing to overcome the heartbreak of a relationship tossed away; the loss of love due to the passing away of my father; and the loss of my only child preparing to move out on his own for the first time.

I am starting to feel like I can continue to live without these three important men in my life. I am starting to believe that I can keep my heart open to love and happiness. And the person who is re-igniting my senses of possibility, desirability and eagerness for the future is none other than my first love.

The good news is that we’ve been talking nearly every day for almost 2 months now, reminiscing about our venture into the world of adult love but also being frank, open and honest about the issues we now face as middle-aged adults and the baggage we now carry. This is all a great help because it is allowing me to release my past relationship and think about the now and the future in positive ways.

I know that the likelihood of creating something lasting with him is near the edge of impossibility, especially seeing as we live several states away from one another. But I am so glad he has re-entered my life at this time and is teaching me, once again, what it is to be desired and worthy of attention from a man. The other day he said he loved me. I am rushing into nothing, but it’s still there, that love that I never truly let go of… my first love.

Here is actress Laura Prepon speaking about the relationship between her character Alex and the lead character on the Netflix Original Series Orange is the New Black: “When you bring it down to like the basic basic, it’s like they really do love each other. And that’s why I think people are holding on to this relationship and why it’s so real to them, you know? I think it’s totally easy for it to ignite back up again.”

Piper: “It’s weird how normal this all feels.”

Alex: “Well, I think that when you have a connection with someone it never really goes away, you know? You snap back to being important to each other because you still are.”

If you read my definition of love than you already know that I agree with Alex, it never really goes away. People I loved and cared about as a child, a teen, a young woman, they are all still important to me and I still care about them and their lives, their happiness and well-being.

Anyway, it sure is fun to reminisce and fantasize and think about what once was, what might have been and what could be. It means I have re-entered the world of the living. I still have a long, long way to go, but I can see that I am healing and there is hope for a brighter tomorrow.

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