Why It Bears Repeating: Don’t Fall For False Intimacy

Via DatewithLucy
Contributing Author: @DatewithLucy

Do you know how sometimes you’ll always remember someone just by something they said? You meet them only once and their face fades and their details are lost, but you’ll forever reference them in your brain by this one sentence? Well, Danny’s sentence is this:

“I’d give my right arm to be with someone like you.”

Sigh.

Okay, let me begin at the beginning. Danny, who was my age, messaged me and I checked out his profile before replying. Of course. While he didn’t set off any bells and whistles, his pic was sweet and so we began communicating and over a couple of weeks, shared more and more. He was bright and literate and fun to talk to. I wasn’t dating anyone else – shocker – so I got into the writing pretty hard. Damn my love for the written word!

But it gets worse, girlies. Of. Course. Because on a doing nothing Sunday afternoon, he asked if I wanted to start TEXTING and I said: Sure! As if pre-date texting wasn’t right up there with skating on thin ice and not flossing!

To be fair, I think this was my ground zero and Danny was my subject one. It appeared to be the logical next step so I took it and thought nothing of it.

Sigh. Again.

So. We sent long missives about our day and our thoughts and our feelings. I began to look forward to hearing from him and being vastly disappointed when I didn’t. He had a brain and a sense of humor; it wasn’t hard to become a little bit attached even though WE HADN’T MET YET. Cue flashing red lights. “Danger, Will Robinson. Danger!”

Note: Google that shit if you’re not ancient like me.

Here’s the weird thing though: Danny wouldn’t ask me out though it was obvious he liked me. I finally had to call him on it AND giant red flag number two goes up. It should have been a no-brainer to me, but, of course, I was naïve as the day is long. Putting off meeting = hiding something. HELLO. He replied: “I suck at dating too. Why don’t we just meet and hang out? No pressure.” I said: “Sure!” Again! Like a babe in the fucking Plenty of Fish woods.

Danny and I met on a sidewalk downtown before doing dinner and a movie. I almost didn’t recognize him. Never a good sign, FYI. And his first words to me? “I look so old!”

Jesus. I felt… God… so badly for him. Right then I realized he was already waaayyy attached and immediately, the energy between us was so unbalanced. I felt horrible. He didn’t look like his profile picture; he did look much older and he was also shorter than his profile stated. Add that to what was pretty much a cry of self-condemnation and yeah. I was already done.

Fuck me.

Let me clarify: most guys lie about their height unless they’re 6’ or more. I don’t really care because I’m 5’5 ½” so you’d have to be pretty not tall to be not taller than me, though Danny managed it. Nor do I care if you actually look your age. Most people do. But I’m going to notice that shit when we meet, right? I’m just saying.

However, we’d been writing and texting for weeks. At any time, Danny could have been honest about these telling details and then we could have met and maybe still connected, you know?  The fact that he didn’t come clean made me feel betrayed when we did come face to face. I know it sounds silly and maybe overly dramatic, but it was also true. Of course, I understand how difficult it would be to own up and they were only white lies but still. I felt deceived.

Suffice it to say, dinner and a movie were awkward. Uber. I was uncomfortable with his high hopes so clearly on the date with us yet I didn’t want to be awful to such a nice guy. Good times all around.

The next day, Danny texted me in the a.m. as if there was nothing wrong and I had to tell him that I couldn’t be the person he was looking for. That’s when he said what he said.

Did I mention IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY? Jesus F***ing Christ.

The lesson’s in the title, girlies: false intimacy totally hurts everyone. I STILL feel like a shit for doing that to him on his birthday even though it was just one date and I was as kind as I could be. So I repeat: if you’re interested in each other, rip off that band-aid and meet, stat. JUST DO IT.

Do you think I was being shallow for allowing my lack of physical attraction to Danny kibosh a possible relationship with a nice guy who would have been happy to give me anything and everything? Or do you think chemistry is a non-negotiable? We at Date with Lucy, meaning me, would love to know. xo

To leave Lucy a reply please comment on her original content page.

The photograph was taken by Mathilde Langevin and acquired through Unsplash licensing.
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