My heart is pounding a hundred miles an hour.
Cold… So cold…
My hands are freezing and feel like ice.
Trembling… I’m trembling…
I can’t stop this involuntary movement my body is making.
My eyes are darting back and forth,
From side to side.
I take one step after the other,
Left foot hitting pavement
Right foot hitting pavement.
I keep my head up to disguise the discomfort I’m feeling.
People will look at me and smile and I’ll return the smile,
All the while worrying that I may be seen as the fraud that I am.
Can they see my heart beating through my shirt?
She isn’t strong.
Can they see my eyes shifting back and forth, my hands shaking violently?
She isn’t confident.
Can they see the anxiety that’s swimming through my veins,
Like the blood I need to stay alive? Swimming through me like the blood that is making my ever worried heart pound, harder and harder?
Can they see the worry?
Do they see my truth?
Do they see me?
They walk past me as I continue on with my disguise.
© Jen 2015
About the author:
I reside in New Jersey, but was raised in Queens, NY. I am a wife and a mother. I will soon be a college student again, working towards my B.A. in Social Work. I started blogging about a year ago, when I finally decided to get help for my anxiety, that I’ve suffered with for years. Blogging is a way for me to get all of my emotions out, while also trying to help anyone out there who may be feeling the same.
Blog: The Anxiety Chronicles
“She picked up the pieces of her life and created something beautiful. From that day forth she shone like the sun and changed the definition of broken.” – Unknown
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Please, if your life is impacted by mental illness help spread awareness and understanding by writing to that illness and sharing it at Letters of the Mind blog project.